I loved this one because I know HFB-D and she does make woodland sounds. The part that had me ROFLMFAO was the aside about velociraptors. The worst part was I was at work and I'm sure people thought I was having a seizure because I was shaking so hard.

"To try and squeeze SOME kind of enjoyment out of this arduous process, I engage the stripper in some deep, meaningful conversation.
FILTHY STRIPPER: Hey, sexy. What's your name?
ME: Leopold, but you can call me Barry.
WHORE: Hello, Barry. I'm Roxanne. How are you feeling tonight?
ME: Pretty down. I really hope we don't go to war with Iran.
WHORE: Yeah. That would suck. Are you in the military?
ME: No, I just really like Iran as a country.
WHORE: Oh. So, do you want...
ME: I think it all goes back to the time I read the Koran from cover to cover. Fascinating book. Have you ever read it?
WHORE: Um, no. Say, do you want to...
ME: It's really informative, even if the ending is pretty cliche..."

Anytime you're browsing the site and see the drama set up, you know you're in for a treat. If TD doesn't ever blog again, he should at least look into a career as a sitcom writer. His skits are a lot better than most of the crap being shoveled right now (excluding The Office as awesome, which may have also opened the door for TD's style).

"Enjoy your drunkeness, for you've earned it. Nevermind the reasons WHY you drink: You could simply fear sobriety and the constant paranoia you face thinking about the government; you could just want the numb embrace of liquor to save you from realizing how fucking stupid our world is; or, you could just be a miserable sumbitch who's only solace comes with a bottle of scotch. Remember, though, that no matter how bad life is, you've always got a way of coping. Healthy or not, drinking is still cooler than listening to Linkin Park."

If the sitcom thing doesn't work out, maybe he should consider a career in lobbying for alcohol. The passion is definitely there as well as ample justifications.

While this doesn't give you the whole picture of the blog - so much of it is so damn good and so well-written - it at least gives you a taste of what we're now all missing out on. Just remember TD, you always have an open invitation to Shawed any time you feel the urge to post. H8FUELED and its contribution to the blogosphere will be sorely missed by many, many non-commenting bastards.

RACCOONS

Apparently raccoons have been forming gangs in California so they can now participate in gang violence. These little scavengers have been attacking dogs and shredded one up pretty bad. People are beginning to get scared. They can't let their dogs out unsupervised or enjoy sitting on their porches. California laws prohibit removal of the clever fiends due to the living with wildlife policy. What do you want to bet there suddenly becomes a high demand for coonhounds in Cali?

I feel sorry for the people and their dogs, but I also feel bad for the little critters. Food must be pretty scarce or the population is getting too big because it takes some big fuzzy balls to face down people and their dogs when you're only about 18" high.

LIONS

Rare Abyssinian lion cubs are being poisoned at a zoo in Ethiopia because the staff cannot afford to keep them. Their solution? The dead cubs are sold to taxidermists for $170 each to be stuffed and sold as decorations - even though they are the national symbol and there's only about 1,000 left in the wild. Hmm... seems to me that if I were running a zoo and couldn't afford to keep an endangered species I would try to find another zoo somewhere to take them. No let's kill them and stuff them so one day when they're all gone somebody will discover a stuffed one in an attic somewhere and that's closest anyone in the future will ever get to seeing a real one. I know the zoo officials have a budget to maintain, but there has to be some other way to handle this situation. I know, how about if someone poisons the genius behind this plan and stuffs them?

SEA LIONS

It's another attack story. Sea lions are apparently becoming very vicious off the Californian coast. Attacking swimmers and fisherman and such. Of course weighing in at approximately 1,000 lbs and being so strong in numbers makes them a big threat. The sad part is there's a big suspicion that the sea lions have turned so ferocious from eating fish that are contaminated by a toxic algae bloom caused by agricultural pollution. A food shortage further down the coast and the habit of fisherman feeding them seafood scraps hasn't helped the situation any. In fact, a group of sea lions managed to take out a yacht. Of course once the sea lions form the ultimate alliance with the raccoons, we can kiss Cali goodbye.

WWF

If you're feeling in a giving mood this holiday season, why not give something to the World Wildlife Fund? They work to try to find and support habitats for wildlife to protect the humans and animals from each other. 83% of the funds they receive go directly to the local programs they support. For a worldwide program of their size, that's really, really good. Right now you can adopt a variety of wildlife for as little as a $25 donation. Of course they'll be grateful for any amount you're willing to send their way.

October 18th was the official 1-year anniversary of Shawed’s existence.

Many of you may be wondering how such an important event could be overlooked. I’ll tell you it’s easy when the real life becomes more interesting than internet life. I’ll leave it at that for an explanation. So what’s on tap for the commemorative blog post? How about this:

Vampires a Mathematical Impossibility

An idiot tries to debunk the existence of vampires without knowing any vampire lore. This article definitely interested me when I read the title. Here’s the main excerpt:

Efthimiou's debunking logic: On Jan 1, 1600, the human population was 536,870,911. If the first vampire came into existence that day and bit one person a month, there would have been two vampires by Feb. 1, 1600. A month later there would have been four, and so on. In just two-and-a-half years the original human population would all have become vampires with nobody left to feed on.

Obviously Efthy (my nickname for him) doesn’t know his vampire info very well. His calculation would be correct if a bite turned people into vampires. Being very vampire-interested myself, I can say with full confidence that this is not how vampires make other vampires. In order for a person to become a vampire, the vampire must drink the person’s blood and the person must drink the vampire’s blood. Another popular theory is that the vamp could just open both sets of veins and let the blood mingle. Either way, the blood of a vamp is required for this transformation. Bites only work with werewolves. It’s amazing that people can research these “myths” in the name of “science” and still confuse vamp and wolfie birth mechanisms. Where is my proof of the vamp blood being required? Check out the following resources:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Seasons 1-7

Angel, Seasons 1-5

Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Anne Rice’s Interview with a Vampire

Christopher Pike’s Season of Passage and The Last Vampire Series


Stoker’s Dracula is the most influential tale of vampirism to exist in this world. His book has sold millions of copies in dozens of languages. You think Efthy could have bothered to pick up a copy before proving that vamps “don’t exist” by using math.

Wal-Mart Scaling Back

Wal-Mart has finally decided to scale back building so many new stores in the next fiscal year. Apparently building a new store 10 miles from an existing one cannibalizes sales. Who would have guessed that?

Hmm, maybe McDonald’s? Their original strategy (and as current as the 1995 publication, McDonald’s: Behind the Arches) was to build a McDonald’s every five minutes apart. That way if you forgot to order something you could pull right through another drive-thru. I’m sorry Wal-Mart, but if McDonald’s can’t do it successfully, what makes you think you can? McD’s is one of the original franchising pioneers, and one of the few still to remain in business all this time.

Wal-Mart apparently has been cautioned and warned by analysts for a few years now that they need to reduce capital spending, but did they listen? No. They are only changing their business strategy now that they have reached their credit borrowing limit. Also, they are starting to feel the heat from their better quality competitors, like Target.

I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that this may be the first stone to fall out of place in the Wal-Mart empire. They won’t cease to exist entirely, but they may start to feel the backlash for some of their business practices. Manufacturers may start pushing back on them, as W-M as pushed them to the bare minimum price points and sometimes below, which has caused many to lower their quality standards. W-M employees may find other similar franchises a better fit for employment. W-M is already feeling the heat in some new areas in which it would like to expand its operations for its treatment of employees. Anyway, it will be interesting to see what happens to the retail giant.

Bush Builds a Fence

This time the idiot is really pushing hard for his backyard fence project. What are we? Childish neighbors? Yes, immigration, especially illegal, is cause for concerns for many - but a fence to protect our nation’s border? I thought he was crazy when he was claiming that God was guiding him, but now it sounds like he’s in conference with Wile E. Coyote.

If anyone sees them together at the ACME store picking out TNT and wire, please alert Bush's responsible adult.

H8FUELED Continues

After a call to readers to help decide H8FUELED’s new direction, the results have been posted. Most readers wanted the blog to continue to be the hodgepodge of entertainment it’s been for the last few months. Since this blog inspired Shawed, I’d like to give a shout out to Trevor Danger for finally realizing that randomness should be his true direction. (The posts are way more entertaining when they aren’t contrived).

Late and Live Halloween Fun

You have several chances for some last minute Halloween thrills this weekend and early next week. Here are my recommendations for TV scares:

Ghost Hunters

LIVE broadcast of an investigation. 10/31 starts at 11 pm and last for 6 hours, Sci-Fi channel. Record this one! Ghost Hunters is the most scientific paranormal investigation show on the air. TAPS does an excellent job of trying to disprove evidence.

Scariest Places on Earth

MARATHON of old shows leading up to 2 new episodes. 10/29 starts at 12 pm and runs to 12 am on ABC Family. New episodes at 8 pm, 9 pm. If you like the stories and don’t care whether they are fact or fiction, record it.

Most Haunted

LIVE broadcast of an investigation. 10/29 starts at 4 pm runs to 7 pm on the Travel Channel. 10/30, 10/31 – rebroadcast at 4 pm, 8 pm, and 11 pm. Sort of like a British Ghost Hunters except they are the exact opposite of TAPS. No science here. Séances, possessions, and people being creeped out in the dark. My money is on Derek for at least one possession before the night is over.

• Northern bald ibis rediscovered in Syria in 2002.
• Giant Palouse earthworm, last seen in 1987, rediscovered 2006. Found along the Washington-Idaho border.
• Laotian rock rat, believed extinct for 11 million years, first seen by a western scientist in 2005:
  
• Chinese crested tern, thought extinct from 1937 to 2000:
  
• Slater's skink, a type of lizard, rediscovered in 2004 in Australia.
• Coelacanth, thought extinct for 80 million years, first seen in 1938 off South Africa:
  
• Black-footed ferret, believed extinct by 1978, rediscovered 1981 in Wyoming:
  
• New Zealand storm petrel, last seen in 19th century, rediscovered in 2003.
• Long-legged warbler, last seen in 1894, rediscovered in Fiji in 2003.
• Rusty-throated wren-babbler, not seen for 60 years, rediscovered in the Himalayas in 2004.
• Takahe, a bird believed extinct for 50 years, rediscovered in 1948 in New Zealand:
  
• North Pacific right whale, thought extinct until the mid- '90s. Lives in the waters around Alaska:
  
• High Range dwarf cattle, rediscovered in India in 2004.
• Asian grey whale, believed extinct since the turn of the century, rediscovered in 1973 near Russia's far east coast.
• White-winged guan, believed extinct for 100 years, rediscovered in 1977 in Peru:
  
• Southern white rhino, thought extinct throughout 19th century, rediscovered in South Africa in 1895: