Pluto: Voted Out of “Planets”

9/1/06 2:10 PM 0 Comments

MANSFIELD, Ohio (AP) – In a bold move, frighteningly similar to popular reality TV shows, the International Astronomical Union voted Pluto out of “planet” status last week. Luckily, I was able to obtain this exclusive interview with Pluto about the recent decision.

RICK’S JOHNSDALE: So, why were you voted out of planet status?

PLUTO: Well, according to the know-it-all scientists of the IAU, I didn’t meet the new qualifications to be a planet in the solar system. Apparently I’m not big enough and I don’t follow a “normal” path.

RJ: What do you mean by normal path?

P: I don’t like being on the outer rim, so to speak, so during my orbit, I spend a few years inside Neptune’s orbit. Neptune is down, so it’s never been a problem until now.

RJ: Since there are other solar bodies the same size as you, the IAU was talking about creating a new category called the Plutonians and lumping you and other bodies close to Neptune together. Now they’ve changed their minds, called you a dwarf planet, and lumped you with Ceres (the largest asteroid) and an object known as UB 313 (nicknamed Xena). How does this make you feel?

P: I never was much into the idea of being part of a group called the Plutonians. Sounds like a boy band, and I’ve always been more of a loner type. I resent being called a dwarf planet. In this day of political correctness, I would prefer to be called a “little planet” or a “size-challenged solar body”. I don’t understand how they can think I’m more like an asteroid or “object” than the rest of the planets, but that’s scientists for you. They’re always coming up with some crazy new way to change facts around to suit their purposes. Hell, they’ve only known about me since 1930. Like I suddenly appeared or something. If they’d get out in the galaxy more, maybe then they could judge me.

RJ: A lot of scientists have been upset about your downgrade. What would like to tell them?

P: To all my fans, I want to say that this recent setback won’t change a thing. I’m still going to be out there every day doing my thing. I’m not going to change my life because someone else changed my label. All this decision does is give me more free time to pursue other interests.

RJ: What kind of projects are you thinking of working on now that you have more free time?

P: Well, I’ve been talking with P. Diddy about releasing a new CD. He and J-Lo have been giving me advice on how to start my own clothing line. New Line Cinema is trying to get me to sign on for an indy movie about how labeling can affect a person’s life. The only way I’ll step into that project is if they cast Natalie Portman as the other lead. Hasbro and Mattel have both been leaving messages about a new solar system model with the tagline “Now with dwarfs”. I’m just waiting to see which project seems like the most fun before I commit to anything. I don’t want to ruin my brand name by taking on a project that fails.

RJ: What have the other planets had to say about this whole incident?

P: Mercury called me the day the news broke to offer his condolences, and Venus took me out to lunch. Earth and Mars aren’t speaking to me since they believe the scientists and now think I’m not good enough. Saturn and Jupiter sent condolence cards. Of course Uranus and Neptune are neighborhood boys, so they’re still down with me no matter what anyone says. We’re so far out there most of the time that no one understands us anyway.

RJ: How have your moons taken the news?

P: Charon was pretty pissed since he was up for a promotion before this mess. He’s still trying to deal with the shock. Nix and Hydra cried at first. The girls are definitely taking it better than Charon though.

RJ: Some people have been saying that you never should have been a planet since you’re too much like the other ice balls beyond Neptune. How do you feel about being called an ice ball?

P: I’m much more than just ice. I’m out there working hard every day and these assholes want to say I’m like something in their freezer? All I can say is they must have pretty low self-esteem to be putting me down since I’ve never met any of them.

RJ: Is there anything else you’d like to add?

P: I just want to say that the last 76 years have been great. I’m gonna keep going and I'll adapt to the new set of rules, but I’m not going away. I still have plenty of surprises waiting for you humans whenever you make it out my way. I’d like to thank my fans for all of the love and support over the years. Please don’t give up on me because man is trying to keep me down. I love you all.

RJ: Thanks for joining me today Pluto.

P: It’s been my pleasure. Thank you for letting me tell my side of the story.

Rick’s Johnsdale holds a BSJ from OU and is a long-time contributor to Shawed. Johnsdale resides in Ohio with his wife, son, and dog named Mort.

* This article and Rick's Johnsdale are in no way affiliated with the Associated Press and do not claim to be. This article is based on actual events and facts and was created for humorous purposes only.


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